I had a lovely interview with Ellen Moorhouse from the Toronto Star about my low-fi photo project, Conversations With Abandoned Chairs. It’s now online, so please have a look if you’re interested.
More posts coming soon, I swear!
Photo: Self-Portrait @ Queen W. & Augusta
Ryeberg
I should note that I’ve contributed a few pieces of work to an innovative website, called Ryeberg. The conceit of the site is user-contributed curated YouTube videos, narrated by personal essays on a variety of topics. I am in revision-mode currently, but when my stuff gets posted, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, feel free to visit.
Fiction Excerpt: Cloud Species
I’ve labelled myself a fiction writer in my bio – I’ve certainly mentioned my writing here and there – yet I have never posted any work on this blog. Why? Well, mainly for fear of publishing something which would contravene most lit journals’ definition of “unpublished”. How am I getting around this? Well, at least for now, I am providing an orphaned excerpt – I don’t know what it belongs to, so please consider this a “work in progress”. Well…maybe I do know what it belongs to, but I think it’s safe to upload it, for now at least.)
Cloud Species (excerpt)
Something made the hedge in front of the porch shake, as if shook by a hand reaching out of the ground. I would’ve leaned forward to look closer, but I was exhausted from the previous night. There – it happened again. I could hear dry twigs cracking. The morning sun approached my feet on the floor of the porch, the volume of civilization rising slowly around me: coffee grinders, piano lessons, radios. Yet I couldn’t see a soul. I was alone, focused on the hedge, curious what made it move. I didn’t want the sun to touch me yet.
She left a newspaper behind but I didn’t touch it. It was sitting in the sun. She must have been up earlier than me. Perhaps she’d been up all night until now? I didn’t want her gifts and I didn’t want the troubles of the world to make rain from the cloudy anger hanging in my head. I sat brooding in a Muskoka chair asking myself what exactly I’d expected to have happened the night before, instead of what did.
It was a robin. It ran out from the hedge onto the yard, took one look at me, head cocked to the side, momentarily frozen. It was hunting. It seemed more threatening than I could be, sitting staring at it helplessly, drinking coffee like it was an antidote for paralysis.
I asked myself why I’d gone to bed so early. Why before then I’d drank so much, so quickly. Why I’d bothered making the trip if I was so exhausted in the first place. I couldn’t answer any of it. I wasn’t allowing myself to. It was like staring at long division on a chalkboard: I could see the numbers but didn’t want to understand where they came from.
The bird carried on with its sweep of the yard, unconcerned by my presence. The sunlight crept closer to my feet, my head was stuffed with thoughts, a jumble of unconnected ideas which became words scribbled over each other, my coffee cup was empty and I knew I’d have to creep up the stairs in order to get more. Past her, sleeping. Sleeping, I hoped, alone.
The Hammer (pt. 1)
When I rented a car and went to Brantford/Onondaga to do some reminiscing and photo-taking, I knew that Hamilton was also, ultimately, on my to-do list.
The aim of these trips is not preconceived. This makes it doubly hard to explain to others (friends, strangers, and loved ones) what exactly the hell I’m planning to do. “Taking pictures and stuff.” I’ll say – that’s certainly no lie, but of course there’s more to it. The thing about Zen is this: the second you begin to describe it, it disappears. And so – Art & Zen being the same – there’s always a scaffolding I build around my explanation for these trips. It’s the same scaffolding I use when I go out writing, or to take photos locally: a vague (yet not untrue) reason which allows me to unspoil the inspiration (which itself needs to be vague) while preventing others from thinking I’ve lost my mind. I’m not uncomplicated.
Hamilton, being a place of the past for me, exists in patches of haze – this isn’t to say I did a lot of drinking or drugs when it was a destination, and yet it seems that way: murky. Of course, a good chunk of that time is best forgotten now. The downtown seems more hollowed-out than it did before, with the exception of Gore Park which to this day reminds me what a good idea it is to have spacious downtown promenades.
It was a precursory destination. First, with an ill-fated relationship which spawned a series of bad decisions which I owe to naivety. I am not alone in stating that I owe many mistakes in my 20s to naivety. It all culminated in a brief tenancy at an old apartment building north of St. Joseph’s hospital. In so many ways, it was one of the more excruciating periods in my life – I think the haze I mentioned previously is partially there to protect me from looking too closely at things like this.
The second identity Hamilton had for me happened a few years later when, staying with relatives in Burlington while I studied at college, it became a “big city” to escape to. Toronto was bigger, of course, but it was too far to drive to just to have kicks. Hamilton was perfect and in the early 90s had a great nighttime scene in and around Hess Village. My hang-out was the Bauhaus Café, which sadly (though not surprisingly) no longer exists.
Walking around there now, it seems as if parts of it just gave up. People don’t even want to advertise on billboards. To be fair, I shouldn’t make any judgments without going there again, but on a Friday night – I’m afraid however that these judgments will only skew worse if I do.
Perhaps I have a better understanding of the haze now: it’s there to protect my feelings, it’s there to protect the city from the cold light of an unsympathetic audience.
Mobile: March 9, 2010 – Walking
It Was a Dark and Mysterious Person
“You are a dark and mysterious person.” said my friend Simon.
We were chatting on Facebook and he had mentioned how closely we had rated to one another’s tastes on the movie-rating application, Flixster. That’s when I told him I’d deleted it a few months ago: the application, my ratings, my mini-reviews, my Flixster identity. I also did the same for the iLike application (also on Facebook), which rates music. And I did the same on the Internet Movie Database: I simply removed myself (the opinions, not my professional identity).
I needed to clean house, to remove clutter, and – most importantly – to get away from being an armchair critic. There are too many people playing “expert” out there and I didn’t want to be one of them because it becomes a game of oneupmanship. This isn’t even to mention the fact that all of the Facebook applications keep information on file about you, that, while you are wittily commenting on the 2nd season of MadMen, you are becoming a company’s marketing demographic.
I wanted no part in it. I also began to feel that, the more I expressed my opinions – witty or not, bitter or not, funny or not – the smaller I felt. This is not to criticize self-expression, but rather to say that I became sensitive to the format I chose.
I’d rather bitch about things here, on my doorstep, or on Twitter, than simply be another anonymous puppy yelping on yet another movie/music/placenamehere database.
It’s also healthy to eliminate your identity from time to time, not unlike the transformational qualities of a forest fire: clearing the brush and the remnants of what is dead but still lingering.
(disclosure: I’m a Scorpio and this sort of thing comes naturally to me, and no, I have no problem saying something like “I’m a Scorpio.”)
Impetus
Since the beginning of 2010 (I still can’t adjust to typing that without staring out the window to see if there are flying cars in the sky) I’ve felt change is imminent for me. Whereas last year seemed to be a boat load of life coming straight at me, the inverse seems to be conjuring its way into this year – I feel more connected to surroundings, and better able to manipulate (if I may use the word manipulate in the best possible way) the outside world, the not I (to quote Krishnamurti).
This is not to say that I’ve got all of the problems with life, the world, or myself sorted out (ha!), but rather I feel a greater impetus to direct energy outward to affect change; to raise my own hurdles rather than wait for life to throw me hers.
I just don’t know the details of how this energy will manifest yet – I’m listening intently. Perhaps small steps: publishing my short fiction to this here blog, and/or showcasing others’? Alternately, putting a cap in this blog entirely and moving on to something different. Shifting to work more with my own media rather than with others’. Sparks. You see: the light of change. Inarticulate still, but pulsing with activity, from the inside out.